


Dark Thoughts

by ScottieGirl585 (faithfan585)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Thoughts, Drinking to Cope, F/F, Masturbation, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 20:37:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11859216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithfan585/pseuds/ScottieGirl585
Summary: Maggie's knows she's not good enough for anybody, certainly not Alex. Why does she always hurt them people who care about her.Or why Maggie rejected Alex





	Dark Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, thanks for giving this a shot. It's been a long time since I've written anything. Maggie does a lot of thinking in this, not very positively about herself. If you ever feel a similar way, don't bottle it up. Speak with someone. You are more loved and appreciated that you realize.

Maggie Sawyer hates herself, genuinely hates herself.

Throwing back another shot of whiskey in the alien dive bar, Maggie thinks she's possibly the worst person in the world. She turned down Alex Danvers. Beautiful, amazing Alex Danvers. She took the cowards way out, using the excuse that Alex was fresh off the boat.

It wouldn't have worked, Maggie knows this for sure. She's toxic. All she does is cause hurt to those who try to get close to her. She wishes that she could tell Alex this, let her know that she does care about her, more than she has ever cared about anybody before. But that would mean telling her everything; the little good and many bad parts to her story.

Alex thinks that Maggie is amazing. She literally beat the crap out of an alien, while standing in the middle of a bar full of aliens after having only known Maggie for a couple of days. Alex cares about her, wants to be with her. Maggie knows how it would end though, knows that both her and Alex would end up getting hurt. That it would be her that causes the pain and suffering that they would both have to endure.

Maggie isn't a good person. Maybe if she was, her parents might have been able to accept the fact that she liked girls. They might not have kicked her out. The day they called her into the living room to tell her they knew about the card she had left in Eliza's locker, she knew she had hurt them. Fire burned behind her father's eyes as he called her out. Her mother begged her to say it had been a faze, that she knew that she couldn't be that way.

Another shot was downed and the glass slammed down on the table.

She was weak, she couldn't pretend to be someone she wasn't. Couldn't do this one thing for her parents, the people who had given birth to her, had raised her. That was the beginning.

Later on when she got her first girlfriend Julie, she thought that maybe those voices in the back of her head, telling her that she wasn't worth it, that she would only hurt the people who cared about her, were just voices. But she wasn't good enough, Julie broke up with her 4 months later, telling Maggie that it had been a mistake, that she wasn't into girls.

The pattern continued. Either she did something horrible to end a relationship or they left her. She never broke up with anybody, instead she would do whatever she could to get the other person to leave. Being distant, she was an expert. Calling out the deepest insecurities of the person she was dating, she figured that out years ago. Cheating, well that was just too easy. If she hurt them first, made them leave, then it reinforced her beliefs about herself.

Emily was different. She managed to push her fears down, managed to act like a normal person. 4 years. That was a long time. She hadn't run away yet. They had their arguments, Maggie would always cut deep that Emily would never be enough. That she was more interested in her job as an architect. But that she wasn't good at it, that she would never be successful as she had so desperately hoped. It was never enough though, not once the alcohol had cleared from her body and in the bright light of the morning sun they would hold each other and apologize for all of the hurtful words they had thrown, promised that it would never happen again.

The seventh shot warmed her throat in just the right way. The burning as she swallowed, was just enough.

Emily for some unknown reason still cared for her. Wanted to know that Maggie cared about her back. 4 years and Maggie had never said i love you, Emily had, she said it all the time. Maggie would always just kiss her or pass her off with a 'you too babe'. They still lived in separate apartments. It worked for Maggie, she was comfortable at this stage. Not fully committing but finally thinking that maybe she wasn't as broken as she thought she was. Then it happened.

Emily asked her to move in with her, get a place of their own, start to make plans about their lives, a future together. It was too much. Maggie nodded her head, on autopilot said yes, but inside; inside the panic was too much. She could feel the bile rising up her throat.

It happened a few weeks later, once Maggie had moved her stuff into Emily's apartment. One evening after Maggie had finished her shift, ending up in some crappy dive bar in the middle of town. Shot after shot after shot. Bringing that girl back to the apartment, fucking her on their bed. She knew that Emily was working late, she had text to say she would be home after ten, that she loved Maggie and couldn't wait to see her.

The minute she heard the key in the door she began to regret what she was doing. Tears flowing freely, Emily sent the poor girl packing, Maggie spared a thought for the fact she couldn't even remember the poor girls name, but had hurt her as well, using her to kill her relationship. Emily begged; begged Maggie to say anything to make it better. Maggie made it worse. Told Emily that the girl had fucked her better than Emily ever could. That she could never be tied down to Emily.

Shots eight, nine and ten followed in quick succession.

Emily confirmed every thought Maggie had ever had. She was horrible, incapable of caring about someone other than herself. She was toxic, nobody would ever truly love her.

Shot eleven. The bartender cut her off. Stepping out of the bar into the cold night air, she shivered. She wasn't a good person. She couldn't tarnish Alex. Alex who was finally starting to realise that maybe she could be happy, had been looking in the wrong place for someone to love. Alex would be better off, Maggie would only hurt her.

She didn't meet many people that she cared about. She cared about Alex though. Alex who was brave and put her life on the line to save random people, but would literally walk through hell to save the people she loved. Alex who so deeply cared about her little sister, whose face would light up when she would tell Maggie a story about something silly that Kara had done. Alex who was so incredibly smart, with her PhD and MD degrees, who was both a scientist and a field agent. Alex who was the most beautiful person Maggie had ever laid eyes upon, with her deep brown eyes that exposed every emotion even when her best poker face was being displayed.

She didn't care about many people, and the ones who had graced that list, well she had hurt every single one of them. Her parents, Emily, people who claimed to love her. She would ruin Alex, would destroy her. The worst part was that Maggie knew that hurting Alex, well that would kill her. However much she hurt Alex, she would hurt herself more. Because in the short space of knowing her Maggie cared more about her than anyone else she had ever met.

The key slid into the lock on the fourth attempt. Maybe she had too much to drink. Nope. She was still capable of thinking, the voices in her head telling her she would never be good enough for anybody were still too loud. Grabbing the bottle of whisky out of the cupboard, she began drinking again. Dropping down onto her couch, hand clenched tightly around the neck of the bottle as she threw her head back and took another drink.

Alex was special. There was more to her than Maggie knew and she so desperately wanted to find out everything. Wanted to know what made her smile, find out how she smelt, which side of the bed she favoured. Wanted to know if she liked vegan ice cream, if she preferred rom coms to horror films.

Her hand unbuttoned her jeans before she realised what she was doing. A mental picture of Alex appeared. Standing there in her tactical gear, thigh holster firmly attached, with a rocket launcher perched on her shoulder as if it weighed nothing at all.

Fingers began stroking through wetness, though she imagined another set of fingers. Fingers she knew were slightly calloused from firing guns repeatedly. Fingers which were attached to a strong hand, one which bore scars of many fights with both moving and stationary targets. A strong hand which could be gentle, providing comfort to those in pain. 

She pushed inside, starting with two fingers. Imaging they belonged to another person. Imagined short red hair and deep brown eyes hovering above her. A strong arm working strong fingers into her. Starting off slow and unsure before moving into more confident and forceful movements. Imagined the slim, toned body thrusting on top of her. Imagined sinking her nails into those strong arms and shoulders as she began to reach heights she had never seen.

Moving faster and harder, she imagined heavy breathing beside her ear. Imagined teeth moving up the length of her neck, biting and sucking at that sweet spot that has her gasping in pleasure. Imagines another strong hand stroking the side of her face, holding it gently as a voice whispers in her ear to 'let go'.

She does, coming harder than she ever has done before, to the ghost of a relationship she can never have.

Being with Alex, Maggie would have to tell her everything. Every bad thing she had ever done, every person she had hurt, all the things the voices in the back of her mind screamed at her on a daily basis. She would need to burden Alex with her history, with all of her mistakes and issues. Alex didn't deserve that. She deserves someone who can give her everything, who isn't afraid to love her deeply. Someone who isn't broken, who deliberately destroys any chance she has of being happy out of the fear of having to trust another person. Trust that they are going to stick around, trust that they will understand how messed up she is and spend the time helping her to heal.

Drying her fingers off on her t-shirt and taking another deep swig from the bottle, Maggie decides that she doesn't want to imagine her life without Alex.

As much as it kills her to think that one day Alex will find somebody else, someone who isn't broken and can make her smile and laugh and give her everything she deserves.

Alex is strong and Alex will move on despite how much it hurts right now. Maggie will be the good friend, the one who she plays pool with and catches the bad guy with. Someone she can grab a beer with in the bar, who she can complain about women with.

As much as it hurts Alex now, she will get better. The pain that Maggie feels, will feel, from never being able to be with Alex in that way. That pain will never go away, that pain will be there every minute of everyday.

But it will be worth it to have Alex in her life, even if it is only as a friend.


End file.
